When you adopt internationally, your life is investigated, you discuss your plans with social workers, you take classes, and read books...but nothing prepares you for what is ahead. I am realizing that adoption can feel a little bit like the trenches, you are fighting on the front lines for this child. The long term is beautiful but at times it can be incredibly difficult and truly feel like a war zone.
I think it really is a battle for the child.
When the parents become the final caregiver, why should the child trust that you are actually different? Why should they trust that you won't leave like other people or caregivers have? Why should they entrust their heart to you? It does not matter the age of the child, they are cautious, sad, confused, and hesitant.
The battle for the child's trust begins. Each child is different. Each families experience looks different. Some battles are primarily at night; the child struggles sleeping and continually needs attention. Others have children that sleep away the nights but the daytimes are nightmares. The child openly rejects a parent or violently acts out towards parents.
As parents you are always concerned if they are attaching. Some of the simple parenting decisions turn into a very complex and emotional decision. You so desperately desire for your child to be doing well and for God to heal their heart. Some adopted children have experienced more loss and trauma than most adults, and no universal tools for how to work through it.
This battlefield for the child is hard and the home is the front line.
Unfortunately for some adoptive families, this is not the only battle field. A lot of family and friends don't understand what is happening because parents are making abnormal decisions, so this can become a secondary challenge.
I encourage you to pray for and love on families that are adopting in whatever way possible. Ask them what they might need, they are engaging on a front line battle for the child and it lasts a lot longer than you think. Cook for them. Go grocery shopping for them. Be creative in finding ways to meet their needs. They have prayed more than you can imagine. They have cried more than you know. This battle lasts longer than anyone imagines.
I just wanted to share a perspective on adoption, this has not all been our personal experience but we have been definitely engaging in a battle for our son's heart, trust, and attachment. He has experienced wounds that only God can heal. The hand of God has been upon his life since he was in his birthmothers womb, but he has also experienced great loss as well. His story is a beautiful one of redemption.
Adoption truly is a redemption story, but like all good stories it has its ups and downs.
